Monsters or Friends: The power of words

In this episode, Becky shares principles of communication that show how words can unify or divide.

Transcript

Hello! This is a Family Chat, where we talk about parenting and family stories. I’m your host, Becky Olsen, the mother of a blended family of 8 children and a firm believer that imperfect parenting can still yield awesome kids.

I have a handful of principles I want to share about how powerful words can be. To illustrate these principles, I will share stories from different phases of my life. 

I learned early on in the divorce process the power of words. One day, as I was sitting at the computer writing an email, I was tempted to type something that was full of venom and anger. I paused for a moment, and in my mind’s eye, I could see those words coming off the page, breathing air and becoming a living creature. Then, as it grew, the monster turned to consume me. As I stared at the computer screen, I realized that I did not want to say or type those words because they would then have power in my life and I would create something that I had to emotionally battle. I had to be deliberate and careful with the words that I used. As I reflected, I realized that sometimes I would say things with the intention of getting people to “take my side” in the divorce. Over time, I decided that it was better to keep my struggles and my hurt within tightly held conversations with my Heavenly Father in prayer and a few of my closest friends and family members so that I didn’t sabotage my own healing. My children were not inside that circle because I did not want them to have to carry my emotional burden. 

Speaking of my children, let me share another quick example of the power of words. I had a corkboard next to my computer where I had index cards and post it notes with words of encouragement and motivation that were my guiding principles as I went through the divorce. One of my quotes said, “Friends are worth (not) fighting for.” This was a play on the common adage that “Some things are worth fighting for.” When it came to my children and the new co-parenting relationship that I was creating with my now ex-husband, I needed a visual reminder that although I wanted to fight about a lot of things, it was of more value to let some things go. Letting go was a demonstration of strength and courage in certain circumstances--not a sign of weakness. 

A few years later, after I got remarried, the lessons about the power of words continued. There were certain things that I said that were divisive and that undercut our efforts to blend our families. Using the words “your kids” and “my kids” instead of “our kids” is the most obvious example. Certain circumstances did require us to delineate between the two different halves of our family, so we felt that using the words “younger kids” and “older kids” worked better and wasn’t so divisive. As a side note, it just so happened that the kids from my first marriage were all older than the kids from my husband’s first marriage, so these words worked for our situation. 

Let me describe other circumstances when words mattered--when Jeff would get home from work and I would be telling him about the happenings from the day, sometimes I would let my frustration enter into the words and I would say things like, “well, your daughter said” or “your son did…” These words were full of blame and accusation and would build resentment. To be completely honest, those words revealed more about me than they did about the child. Those words revealed that I was not accepting the responsibility of parenting in those moments and I was placing the blame and the responsibility on my husband’s shoulders. I was verbally and emotionally distancing myself from my child, from my husband, and from my role as the step parent. Now, sometimes as a step parent, I had to remind myself that children have challenges as a result of many factors and events in their lives. Even though I was not in their life when certain things happened, I was in their life now. Although I had not been a part of the creation of the challenge, I was now in their life to help them cope and create solutions. The words I chose could be full of judgment and frustration or they could be full of compassion and patience. 

Here’s another way that our words reveal our attitudes. Let’s say, for example, that a child has a hard time getting up in the morning. We could say, “they are so lazy!” That comment is directed at their character and has a feeling of permanence. Another way to approach this is to use words that describe the behavior instead of using words that are labeling character traits. We could instead say, “They have a hard time waking up in the morning.” This describes the behavior and feels more temporary. It opens the door for finding solutions. Maybe this could be--hey, let’s see if they need more sleep, or to turn off electronics sooner the night before, or if journaling before bed would help them to sleep better. 

Sometimes our words communicate far more than what we are consciously aware of. If a child is struggling with tying their shoes, and we say, “Let me do that for you.” are we communicating that we don’t think they are capable of doing it themself? If this plays out several times a day, will the child start to question their own abilities? What if we instead said things like, “Wow! You are working so hard at that. I know you can do it. Is there anything that I can help with?” That allows the child to ask for support or for more training. 

Another way to approach our children so that we don’t unintentionally make them feel small is by asking, “Help me understand …” instead of saying, “Why did you…”

Well, to wrap things up, remember that words have power. Choose them carefully. And examine what our words reveal about our inner beliefs and attitudes. Use words to unify instead of to divide. Because of what they teach us about ourselves, words are our friends.